Here I Grow Again
Or, lessons from the anxiety of starting a college semester 4x more intense than the last one.
Yesterday was anxiety-filled, drama-avoidant (to an extreme*), and stressful as fuck.
* I actually told my husband and daughter that I’m plotting to move out and let them battle it out on their own—think of it as a family reality show, but with more tears and fewer pee breaks. And no, I’m not actually going to move out. I had to spend 15 minutes convincing my sobbing 12-year-old that I was just being dramatic… like a 12-year-old.
This morning, there were four emails in the college inbox. Each one was filled with lengthy introductions by my new professors.
It’s ‘explore week’ where we get to examine our courses in detail before actually being tied to a schedule. When one professor wrote that we can work at our own pace (early submissions if we choose) but doesn’t accept late work, at all, ever, for any reason, no matter what… I began to question my own sanity.
The next 16 weeks will have me realizing that I’ve (foolishly?) taken on four advanced classes. Last semester, I had 8 weeks to barrel through two intro-level courses. It was tough, but not nearly as menacing as I’d thought it would be. This morning, panic set in… and I thought yesterday was bad!
But now? Like, who the hell do I think I am? I’m working full-time, going to college full-time, and still trying to take care of my home, my family, and myself. Some would call me crazy.
I don’t care what they say. I’m a damned superhero.
I want to be. I am the only child of two workaholic business owners, and once they decided I was old enough not to have to take the bus to Grandma’s after school, I became this feral, self-sustained force to be reckoned with.
And then, I lost her somehow.
For the past 20 years or so, I have been a slave to my computer. Trading my time for money. Making actual millions of dollars for others while barely scraping by myself, trying to build something sustainable on the side. I feel like my ass is so flat because I’ve been sitting on it so much of my life.
I don’t want this anymore. If you’re anything like me, working your magic to generate a shift in your life, then you’ll understand precisely where I’m coming from here.
We want deserve to do something meaningful. Something to help people. Something that requires face-to-face communication.
We deserve to have our internet time cut down as much as possible, and that way, we can use it as a form of joyful expression rather than a necessity.
We deserve a ‘regular job’ where we get to come home at the end of the day feeling like we accomplished something, and spend our weekends doing things that light us up.
We deserve more financial security than we’ve had. We deserve to have money set aside for the future. For emergencies. For vacations.
We deserve better, because we’re superheroes.
So that’s why I’ve put myself on this path, despite the fear, intimidation, and worry.
I’m standing up against those awful things in order to get what I deserve.